Chapter Eight - Not This Clown Again

“Obsession is the single most wasteful human activity, because with an obsession you keep coming back and back and back to the same question and never get an answer.” ~ Norman Mailer

Chapter Eight: Not This Clown Again

EPOV

There was a blur of activity over the past few days. Most of it was getting settled into the campus and what would be our new lives for the next year. The rest was small details here and there that needed to be taken care of before classes actually started. Then there was my big secret. The one I was keeping from Carlisle and Esme. The one that would be my salvation.

I had spoken with several people in the Music Department, had many auditions, if that’s what they could be called, and had finally proven to them that although I wasn’t a music major, I was capable enough to be a piano teacher. Today would be my first day. The first time I would actually try and teach someone else how to play. I was a little nervous.

They had decided that I would only have one student to start with, so they could determine if I was as good of a teacher as I was a player. There was no doubt in their minds that I could play. In fact, they had tried to persuade me to switch majors because they had been so impressed. It hurt my heart to tell them that wasn’t an option for me.

I remember coming home that day in the darkest mood I had been in since leaving Chicago. Part of me wanted to go home, just to strangle Carlisle for his interference in my life, but that wouldn’t do me any good. Nothing would do me any good and this was the only way I could have my peace and keep my sanity. I needed music like an addict needed their drugs.

My audition had gone smoothly. Almost too smoothly. I had played three or four different pieces at their request, and then went on to play two of my own works. Those had impressed them more than my playing the classics from memory, although I hadn’t missed the look of surprise on their faces when I began to play without the assistance of sheet music.

I didn’t need sheet music anymore. The music was in my heart. It was ingrained deep into my bones. It was a part of me. It had saved me from becoming a monster like many of the spoiled rich. I could have gone out partying every night, or developed a drinking or drug problem in high school like so many of my contemporaries. Instead, I had used music as my outlet.

I could feel the smile on my face and my mood was lighter than ever while I was sitting behind that grand piano. The music echoed, building with passion and mystery, cleansing my soul. It was one of my own compositions, one of my better ones. When the final notes were played, they were still reverberating through the room when I heard the applause. I looked over to see some of them with tears in their eyes. My music had touched their souls as well.

It seemed like that had happened forever ago when in reality it had only been a few days. A few very long days. And now I was finally going back to the Hopkins Center to begin. My student would have my undivided attention for one hour, twice a week. Tuesdays and Thursdays, to be exact. Other than that, I was free to come and go as I pleased, and since I was now a piano teacher, I would have unlimited use of their practice rooms, including the ones with the grand pianos.

I rubbed my finger tenderly over the key to the practice rooms. I had every intention of using one of those grand pianos today after I was done with my student. I had already scheduled a two hour block for myself. From 5:30 to 7:30 I would be able to lose myself in my music. I just had to get through one measly hour of teaching. Thank God I had a few hours before I had to do that.

Jasper, Emmett, and I had already developed a routine. Jasper would go for coffee, I would scowl until I had my coffee, and Emmett would fall out of bed. Jasper and I made fun of Emmett for his ‘midget-sized bed’ and Emmett and I made fun of Jasper for his obsession with the girl with the yellow Porsche. We knew he went to that same bakery every morning in hopes of running into her again. So far he’d had no such luck.

He was getting anxious about finding her. It was no longer uncommon to find him hanging out in the common room downstairs. Our big joke now was that he was stalking her, even if he couldn’t actually find her. He wasn’t nearly as amused as we were. Emmett told him if he did find her, to ask about her blonde friend. I wasn’t sure if he was really interested in her or if he was just trying to find new ways to annoy Jasper.

I still had the truck girl firmly planted in my mind. I knew now that there was no way she was a part of my society. At one point, that would have made me forget about a girl like her, but for some reason I couldn’t forget about this one. It didn’t matter that she didn’t have money. It didn’t matter that she drove a beast of a truck. There was something about her that I couldn’t seem to shake. Now I just had to find her again.

I wasn’t sure what I would say to her if I ever did find her. I wasn’t even sure if she would talk to me. That day at the bar she had once again run from me. Was she embarrassed? Was she angry? Did she hate me for knocking her down? Too many questions about her were buzzing around in my head. I was annoyed at myself for focusing on her so much. I was elated that I had possibly found someone who genuinely intrigued me. I was a mess.

She had a look of innocence in her eyes. That much was clear. Warm, engaging, innocent eyes. They haunted me. They lured me. They would be the death of me. I fisted my hands in my hair, annoyed with myself for my wandering mind. I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t understand her. No one had ever had a hold on me like this. I had never even had a proper conversation with her and I was nearly obsessed with her.

I wanted… no, needed to know about her. What made her tick? What made her happy? What made her sad? What could I possibly do to put that dreamy, wicked smile on her face again? And what in the hell was her name? If I had that information, finding her would be a breeze, but again I had to kick myself for my moment of stupidity. I had her right in my grasp and failed to find out anything about her. All I could tell was that she was different.

In my few years of being the master seducer in school, I had never cared about a girl’s wants or needs. I had wooed them, bedded them, and gone on my happy way. These were girls in my society, some of them in the inner circle of my acquaintances. I could never call most of them my friends, because that would have been a lie. I only had two real friends in my life and I was currently living with them.

What had happened to me? What was wrong with me? Here was this girl, who obviously didn’t fit in my life, but she was the one that I wanted. For what, I wasn’t sure yet. But I knew it was more than just a quick lay. There had to be intelligence there if she had gained a scholarship here, and I was certain she was here on scholarship. She didn’t have the same polish the wealthy did, that fakeness that permeated through the ranks of those in this social class.

She was special somehow. Intriguing. Alluring. Innocently seductive. She was driving me fucking mad! And I didn’t even know her god damned name! I growled in frustration. Surely there had to be some way to get her off my mind. Something I could do to alleviate this pressure in my chest when I thought of her. Anything to ease my useless suffering.

I decided to go for a walk. I only had another hour before I had to be at the Hopkins Center, and it would clear my head enough before I had to take on a teaching role.

I saw Jasper in the common room. Big surprise. He was sitting in one of the wingback chairs, reading a book about US History. Another big surprise. I had to shake this sarcastic mood. I calmed my breathing and made my way over to sit next to him. He looked up as I plopped myself down, still scowling slightly.

“Hey Edward.”

“Hey Stalker.” He frowned and I laughed. This was never going to get old.

“It’s not funny. And you shouldn’t be talking. Don’t think I haven’t seen you looking around every corner, peeking out the windows, and pacing around this dorm looking for truck girl.” My scowl deepened. Damn if he isn’t right.

“Anyway,” I brushed it off. I was trying to get out of this mood, not intensify it. “Had any luck?”

“Not yet.” His eyes saddened for a moment, but then they cleared and he looked back at me. “But it’s only been a few days. She has to come through here at some point, right?”

“Sure. Of course she does. Her car’s been parked here everyday since we first saw it here. This would obviously be the dorm she lives in.”

“Exactly. So I’ll just sit here and read. Eventually I’ll find her.”

“You do that. And don’t forget to ask about Blondie for Emmett,” I teased, making him crack a smile.

“Oh yeah, because I really want to subject one of her friends to Emmett. Wouldn’t that be like shooting myself in the foot from the get-go?” We both laughed at that and I heaved myself out of the chair.

“I’m taking a walk before I have to be down at the center. I should be back by around 8 or so.”

“See you later then,” and he immediately went back to his book. I smiled and shook my head at him. How was he ever going to find her if he had his nose buried in a book about the Civil War? It was possible she had already walked by him several times because of that, but who was I to point that out? Instead I made my way out into the crisp September air.


By the time I was sitting in front of the upright, I was calm enough to meet my new student. I didn’t have any information on them; I was just told that they would meet me in the assigned practice room at 4 PM. It was now 10 til and I was doing a breathing technique to loosen my tense muscles. I had found that it helped relax me so the music would flow through me easier.

A few minutes later I heard the door open and looked up to see a beautiful girl coming into the practice room. She had curly strawberry blonde hair and big blue eyes. She smiled at me flirtatiously and held out her hand. “Well hello,” she purred. “You must be Edward. I’ve heard so much about you.” Then she winked. I didn’t know what it was about her, but I felt revolted. Was this how I made women feel when I admired them so openly?

“Yes. I’m Edward. And you are…” I trailed off, waiting for her to supply me with her name.

“Tanya McKinley. It’s so wonderful to finally meet you Edward. I’ve been looking forward to it for the last few days. I just know we’ll become wonderful friends.” This was going to be difficult. I didn’t feel any kind of attraction toward this girl and now I was going to be stuck with her for an hour, twice a week. She left little question as to where her interests lay with me, I would just have to steer her in the right direction, quickly.

I just kept thinking about the use of the grand piano and decided I’d grin and bare it. She was going to quickly become a necessary evil in my life. “Well Tanya,” I started in a very businesslike tone, hoping to quash her hopes of bedding me as soon as I humanly could. “It looks like you’ve signed up for lessons twice a week. Have you ever played the piano before?”

By the look on her face, I could tell she felt insulted. I wondered briefly if she had ever been shot down by a guy before and instantly figured not. Girls like her didn’t have to beg for attention. They garnered it and acquired it with little to no fuss at all. It was something that girls that looked like her got used to. Most of them turned it into some kind of game. But that was a game that I wasn’t interested in playing.

“Um, yes actually.” She was momentarily stunned. Not used to having men not fall at her feet had thrown her off her stride. “But not until recently.”

“Oh? Why the recent interest in learning to play?” Getting to know her reasons might help me form some kind of lesson plan for her. It would tell me the type of music she wanted to play, and her reasons would give me an insight into how hard she was willing to work.

“I’m a music major here, but vocals are my forte. If I want to be taken seriously in the music industry at a later point, I’ll need to know how to play.” It made sense, and for a moment I despised her for being able to do what she wanted. Since that wasn’t a luxury that I would be afforded, I needed to brush it off and move on.

“Well then, let’s see what you know and that will give me an idea of how hard you’ll need to work.” I moved over on the bench, allowing her room to sit next to me. When she did, she sat entirely too close and batted her eyes at me.

“Where would you like me to start?” Her purr was back and it seemed she regained her stride. This was definitely going to be a lot harder than I thought it would. Why couldn’t they have given me someone less confident, or maybe someone nerdy? Those kinds of people wouldn’t spend the majority of the lesson flirting with me instead of getting to the task at hand.

I moved away from her slightly and raised a brow at her. “Let’s start with your scales. C Major.” And with that, my life as a piano instructor had begun.


When my lesson with Tanya was over, I had a pounding headache. She had shamelessly and relentlessly flirted with me. She was not subtle about it at all either. She made it abundantly clear that she was sexually interested in me and had the audacity to pass me her phone number and dorm information when she left. She had said it was in case I needed to get in touch with her before the next lesson, but I hadn’t missed the emphasis she had placed on getting in touch with her. I groaned inwardly to myself.

The lesson had run about 10 minutes over, something I was going to surely rectify in the future with an egg timer. My old instructors had used one, so it wouldn’t look unusual if I decided to as well. And as an added benefit, it would keep my time spent with her to the absolute minimum only. But now was what I had been waiting for all day.

When I went to sign in for my own practice time, the log showed that my room was available early. Instead of only having two hours, I would have about 15 minutes more. After today’s lesson it would be much needed. I also decided to book the room for the same time period for the next day I had lessons with Tanya. It was apparent that I was going to need them.

I got my blank sheet music out of my bag and placed it in front of me. There was a tune that had manifested in my dreams that I needed to put down on paper. I didn’t know where it had come from, but it was such a hauntingly sweet melody that I had a need to write it. None of my previous works had come to me as strongly as this one had. And none of them were as passionate and compelling.

I closed my eyes and let my fingers move over the keys on their own. From the opening bars, I was entranced. This was going to be my finest work. I got through the first 10 bars and hit a sour note. My eyes flew open and my teeth clenched. No. That’s not right. But I couldn’t seem to find the correct notes. In my dreams it had flowed so serenely and quietly, like a lullaby. But I had never written a lullaby nor had the desire to in the past.

Perhaps I needed to find where my motivation had come from so that I could know where the music was supposed to go. I closed my eyes again trying to think back to when I had first had the dream. It hadn’t been in Chicago, so that narrowed it down to the past 4 days. But what had happened in the last 4 days that would have prompted a lullaby? Again my eyes flew open, but this time in shock.

Truck girl. She was the only interesting thing that had happened to me since I had gotten here. Could she be the inspiration for this new piece? How could that be though? I didn’t even know her or anything about her for that matter. How could she have inspired such an amazing piece of work? Did she even like lullabies? Now more than ever I needed to find her and find out what made her tick.

I sat there working over the piece little by little. It was far from finished, but it was coming together by small degrees. I glanced at the clock and was shocked; I had gone over my time by almost 15 minutes. No one was waiting outside for me, so I figured that I must be the last person here for the day, but I didn’t want to push my luck. I packed up my bag and made my way out of the building. It was a nice night and the moon was already out, peeking out from behind a cloud.

I had never really taken the time to admire the scenery since I had arrived. I looked around and for the first time noticed how nice the campus actually was. The lawns were tended well, the trees were just starting to change with fall, and some of the flowers were still in bloom. There was beauty all around me that I had never even looked at. It shamed me to think that I had been so lost in myself that I had neglected to notice these little things.

A little voice in my head hissed at me viciously, ‘when have you ever?’ I stopped, shocked at the revelation. I hadn’t. My entire life I had never once really noticed my surroundings. Other than the girls, I had never looked at nature or the sky. I had never noticed how a flower tilts its head toward the sun. Never saw the butterflies flitting their way along. Didn’t see the changing of the leaves in the spring and the fall. Or how beautiful the barren winter landscape could really be.

Was I really that shallow? Was I so self-centered that nothing mattered but what was happening in my own little bubble? And why was I suddenly starting to notice these things now? Nothing had really changed for me. I was still bitter about where I was headed in my life. I still hated my parents for their lack of attention. Still sour over their indifference to my music. An angry voice brought me out of my trance.

“You have a nerve don’t you.” I glanced over in the direction of the voice and my breath caught. There she was. Truck girl. And she was yelling at someone. “No Mike. I won’t have coffee with you. Not now, not ever. I wasn’t kidding when I said I wasn’t having any kind of relationship with you. Good night.” I looked closer and noticed who she was yelling at.

I had to chuckle. Mike Newton. I shook my head at the irony of the situation. I had completely forgotten that Mike was also enrolled here. He was a year ahead of me and we had never gotten along. In fact, he hated me with a passion. Who could blame him though? In high school he never seemed to have any luck with the ladies, something that Jasper, Emmett, and I had made sure of.

He was the whiny son of one of the local business owners. It wasn’t as if any of the girls would have really wanted him to begin with, we were simply doing them a favor by taking him out of the equation. But it was something that he always held against us. I figured leading a life doomed to sloppy seconds would have made me bitter as well. And of course he would find her and try his luck. Looks like we’ll have a repeat of high school. I was certainly up for the challenge.

She noticed me watching her and she froze in her tracks. Not wanting to make myself known to Newton yet, I decided to just head on back to the dorm. Maybe if I played my cards right I could figure out where she was staying. I just had to be clever and not spook her. So I just put my head down and walked with purpose. Not too slow, and not too fast. Just enough that I knew she’d keep pace with me.

Every once in awhile I would peek back to make sure she was still there. Sure enough, she made her way silently behind me. I started up the stairs and made sure to take notice what floor she stopped at. When I got to the landing between the second and third floors I was bombarded with the memory of her in my arms. I almost lost my resolve at that moment and turned to speak to her, but I didn’t want to scare her away, so I continued up.

When I rounded the corner to head up to the fourth, I was certain she was stopping at the third. Wouldn’t I have seen her again already if she was on the same floor as me? There was no way I would have missed her. Or could I have? No, impossible.

I kept on, still taking notice of whether or not she exited to the third floor, but she didn’t. She was still right there behind me. Was she following me? Was it possible that she wanted to talk to me? I again thought about turning around to face her, but then decided against it. I would give her the chance to approach me first then she was less likely to run away before I found out at least her name.

I walked down the hall and turned the corner to head to my room. I knew she had followed me out of the exit, so she should still be right behind me. I thought I heard someone gasping for air, but it was drowned out by the sound of a door slamming. I had about had enough of the wait and I wanted to know why she was following me to my dorm. I spun around, ready to face her down.

“Can I help y…” there was no one there. But where could she have gone? It wasn’t as if she could have just vanished. But where could she be? I walked back toward the corner and peeked around, checking to make sure she wasn’t standing there, waiting for me to get to my door before coming up behind me. But she was nowhere to be found. I could hear the sound of someone shouting, but their voices were too muffled to make out the words.

Girls. Always fighting with each other. Why else would the girls in 408 be yelling? I walked closer to the door, trying to make out what they were saying. It sounded garbled, but I could faintly hear “--lla!” Hmmm. Doesn’t sound like arguing. What are they talking about? I shrugged it off and made my way back down to my room, still wondering what could have happened to her.

I unlocked the door and found Jasper and Emmett sitting on the couch watching ESPN, as usual. “Hey guys. What’s up?”

Emmett looked up and shrugged, “Nothing much. Just watching Sports Center.”

“Anything good?”

“Nope, just recaps. How was your lesson?”

I groaned again, reminded of the insistent Tanya. “You wouldn’t believe it if I told you.” That got Jasper’s attention.

“What happened?”

So I told them all about Tanya and her over-confidence. We all agreed on how unattractive that could be. It made women seem too easy if they were that bold. Why else would she basically tell me she wanted to sleep with me? Not only that, but it went against everything we had agreed to look for in a girl. Tanya was definitely off the list of possibilities. But right now, the only person I had on that list was her. Which reminded me…

“Did I mention the fact that I saw Newton?” They both cracked up laughing and wanted to know how I managed to run into the weasel so quickly.

“Seems like he’s taken an interest in truck girl too. Good thing for me she doesn’t return that interest though.”

“Poor Mike,” Jasper said, but without any sympathy. None of us had ever liked the guy. Misplaced confidence was nearly as bad as over-confidence. Maybe I could find a way to hook Newton up with Tanya.

“Yeah, they were standing outside the library and she basically told him to get lost. Apparently he was bothering her earlier and had her cornered again to ask her out for coffee. After she had already told him she wasn’t interested. He can’t even buy a clue.”

“So you saw her again?” Jasper was sympathetic with me; after all he was still looking for his girl too.

So then I told them about the walk back to the dorm and how she was right behind me the whole way. I could see Emmett’s eyes lighting up mischievously, but before he could get anything out I told them about her sudden disappearance.

“I just can’t figure it out! I know she was right behind me. And I know that she was heading the same direction as me. I just can’t figure out where she could have gone…” then I remembered the slamming door. And the raised voices. Could it be?

“What? You just thought of something, I can see it in your eyes.” Jasper could always pick up on emotions and read them on your face.

“Well, it didn’t dawn on me at the time, but when I turned the corner I thought I heard someone gasping for air. But right about the same time I heard a door slam and then raised voices coming from room 408. Do you think?”

“You mean she could be right down the hall? All this time you’ve been looking for her and she’s only four doors down the fucking hall?” Emmett’s eyes were wide with disbelief. Then he turned serious, “you think she could be roommates with that blonde girl?”

I went over the floor plan in my head, trying to figure out the singles, doubles, and triples on our floor. As it turned out 408 was a triple. There was an unholy gleam in my eye when I turned back to the guys. “I think all three of them are right down the hall.” Now we’d just have to do a little investigating.