“We learn more by looking for the answer to a question and not finding it than we do from learning the answer itself.” ~Lloyd Alexander
Chapter Thirteen – One Step Forward or Two Steps Back
BPOV
My hand was still over my chest, trying to keep my heart from beating straight through and landing on the ground in front of me. I was still a little dazed, shocked, and surprised at my actions. What on Earth had come over me? I had never even kissed a guy and suddenly, I was groping one in the middle of a hallway. I was instantly ashamed of myself and glanced around to see if anyone had noticed. Luckily, there was no one there. At least I won’t be labeled as ‘easy’ before school even starts.
I laughed darkly at the irony of that. ‘Easy’ wasn’t the appropriate word for what I was. If anyone ever found out just how completely I had lost control of myself around Edward, I would have been labeled a tease. That’s the only description for a girl like me; a girl not willing to give it up, but willing to tempt the guy to the point of psychosis. I had reason to be ashamed of my actions.
At least Edward had still had the presence of mind to stop us before things got out of control. I felt a pressure in my chest at the thought of him holding me and staring in my eyes. I could tell that he didn’t want to stop, but he still did, right before I tore his shirt off of him. I had to respect that. It terrified me; every moment spent with him weakened me further. If I thought he was fun to be around, I’d want to hang out with him. Then if I hung out with him, I’d start to like him as a person. If I liked him as a person, I might start to respect him. If I did that; well, there really was no need to debate further. I was already starting to trip into love with Edward and it was time to put on the brakes.
I fished my key out of my bag and opened the door. I heard a muttered curse before I collided with two people, all of us falling into a tumbled heap on the floor. There were arms and legs flailing as the three of us tried to disentangle ourselves. Curses and oaths were yelled and screamed as our elbows and knees battered one another.
When we had finally broken apart, we were a mess, hair sticking out, clothing askew, and contempt burning in our eyes. I glared at the two of them while they tried to look innocent and mad at the same time.
“Just what in the hell were you two doing standing so close to the damn door?” I had a feeling they had been spying on me, and that was the last thing I needed right now. I didn’t want to get into what had just happened, and almost happened, right outside our room door. Glee flew into Alice’s eyes while mischief and a little bit of disbelief shown in Rose’s. Neither of them pretended to misinterpret me.
“So, Bella… what were you doing out there?” Rose was trying to hide a knowing grin. She knew what happened; she just wanted to embarrass me. Bitch.
“Why don’t you tell me since you were spying on me,” I glared and her, then Alice before I went on. “Why?”
“Wait a minute, in our defense we didn’t start off spying. Honest,” Alice vowed, eyes wide. “Can you blame us that we went to check and see what was going on when we heard a thump against the wall?”
I suddenly remembered being pinned against the wall, as Edward and I explored each other. My cheeks burned as blood rushed to them, staining them a deep crimson. “Oh.” I was disappointed in myself for thinking they would intentionally invade my privacy that way.
“Hell, if the show we got was anything close to what it looked like, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Jesus, I could feel the heat pouring off you two through the peephole.” Rose was fanning herself in an attempt to lighten the mood.
I was still embarrassed; nothing they said could change the way I felt. I’d never been so wanton before in my life. On one hand, it felt liberating, but on the other hand, it felt so depraved and taboo. Surely having so much desire for any one person that space and time ceased to exist was dangerous. I couldn’t afford to let myself get lost that way. It terrified me.
“I think I got… a little… carried away,” I whispered, hoping they wouldn’t catch it. Of course, I wasn’t so lucky.
“Carried away? Is that what you call it? Because darlin’, that was a lot carried away from where I was standing. You nearly took each other right there in the hall!” Alice was bouncing around the room as she said this. Her excitement was contagious and before I could help it, I smiled with some pride.
“I’ve never felt like that before. It was… exhilarating.” I was a little awed by the whole experience now. They didn’t judge me; they just accepted me, just as I was. That felt exhilarating too.
“Exhilarating? Christ Bella, are you addled in the brain? Or is that a result of being so thoroughly ravished by such an amazing guy? Because I can assure you, had I been in your place I could come up with a lot better adjectives.” Rose was still looking a little shocked at the entire situation.
“Magnificent, amazing, delicious, and depraved come to mind too.” I stated, rather smugly.
“Now we’re talking!” Of course, someone like Rose would get into this kind of conversation. “It looks like plan Get Bella Laid is fully underway now!”
“Woah, woah, woah… back up a minute.” I noticed Alice shooting daggers at Rose who got really quiet suddenly. “What’s this Get Bella Laid nonsense?”
Alice looked a little sheepish, but she led me to the couch and sat next to me. “Well, it really wasn’t a full plan until today.”
I raised my brows at her, urging her to continue.
“You see, Rose thought you might be a little more… relaxed, if you had sex. But I swear we weren’t going to do anything about it. That is until you mentioned this morning that you wanted to lose your virginity. Hence plan Get Bella Laid.”
Now I was the one shooting daggers, at both Alice and Rose. I couldn’t believe they would do this to me. But then I realized that they hadn’t really done anything to me. I had done everything on my own so far, and look where that had gotten me. Fumbling hands, eager mouths, and curious wanderings were the results of my own doing.
“Bella, it’s not like we actually had time to formulate a real plan. We were just going to give you some pointers to help you on your way. Apparently, after what we just were able to witness through the peephole, you don’t need much guidance.” Rose was smirking at me, a smirk that put me a little on edge. “In fact, if I didn’t know you better, I’d question your sincerity about being a virgin.”
My eyes widened at her last statement. Did she really think that? Did Edward? Maybe he did think I was easy. I know I had basically told him I had zero experience, but now that I’d literally attacked him in the hallway he might have different thoughts about that. I groaned and put my head in my hands. What was I going to do? There was no way I’d be able to really look him in the eyes again. Fate was going to force me one way or the other. I would either have to give in to Edward, or avoid him like the plague. Avoiding him was looking like a better option more and more.
“Rose, do you think Edward questions my virginity too?” It sounded muffled as my hands were still covering my face, but I knew she’d get the gist of it.
Alice started rubbing my back. When I initially imagined having roommates in college, I never really considered the comforting, advice, and guidance we’d be giving each other. Well, I hadn’t really done anything for either of them and I didn’t think there really was anything I could do for either of them, but it was the thought that counted, right?
Alice’s voice was calm in my ear, “Bella, if you told him you were inexperienced, I’m sure he believes you. You have absolutely no guile.”
“So I’m the naïve lamb to be led to slaughter?”
“Jesus Bella, you’re one extreme or the other, aren’t you?” I could tell Rose wasn’t really mad, but she gave one hell of an imitation.
“Well, I’m sorry if I flip from one extreme to the other too quickly for you. It’s not like I’ve ever been in this kind of situation before today. I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to feel or how I’m supposed to act. So if it’s not to your liking, you can just leave me the hell alone.”
I was on my feet now; my emotions were burning through me with white hot intensity. Shame, embarrassment, fury, and desire all raced through my veins, fighting for control. I was so confused, so lost, and I didn’t know how to get to a safe haven. In that moment, I was the tempest.
“Oh calm down diva. You need to learn how to take a fucking joke.” Her hands were on her hips and she was staring me down. Alice was standing off to the side wringing her hands. It was clear she was torn about where her allegiance lay. Should she back up her lifelong friend, or come to my aide? Either way, someone would be mad. Then, like that, Rose’s demeanor changed. Her eyes softened and her smile was sad.
“Look Bella, I know you’re frightened and confused. We’ve all been there at some point. But lucky for you, Alice and I are here to help you, should you need it.” It was the first gesture Rose had made toward me with no malice at all. We had turned a corner somewhere in our tenuous relationship but it was clear neither of us knew where we really stood.
No one spoke for a moment. I think all of us realized the change and none of us wanted to stir up too much. Alice broke the silence first, coming forward and taking my hand. “Bella, are you okay?”
Tears rushed forward and popped out faster than I could blink them back. “I don’t know Alice. I’m so scared. I’ve never felt this way before, and I don’t know what to do about it. Part of me wants to run to him and not let go… but the other part of me, the one that knows better and promised me never to get me into this kind of situation… it’s terrified. In fact, it’s screaming at me to run far and fast in the opposite direction. I’m so torn.
What happens if I fall in love with him? He’s so fucking charming and perfect sometimes.” I paced around the room, trying to air out all of my fears. “I have no faith that relationships can work out in the end. I saw my father destroyed by my mother’s death my entire life.”
“Bella,” Alice cut me off, looking a little confused. “I don’t think I understand.”
I turned to her and for the first time in my life, tried to explain my promise. “It’s hard to explain. When you fall in love with someone and get married, you vow to love them for life. Better or worse, sickness and health, all of that, right? Even though you weather storms together and you take the good with the bad, it sometimes seems so perfect. Everything is where it’s supposed to be in your life. You live under a perfect sky.
But what happens when illusions shatter and you’re left alone? It doesn’t turn into something real. It turns into a fucking disaster. You have a broken heart, a kid to raise on your own, and your perfect sky is torn. I saw that happen to my father. I saw him shut things out of his life that reminded him of my mother. He never once seemed to have any other romantic relationships or inklings with any other woman in the 16 years since my mother died.
Edward makes me feel like I have no control. I feel vulnerable around him… like I’m stripped bare and left lying on the floor for everyone to see. He lures emotions and feelings out of me that I swore I would never have. I don’t want anyone to have the power to crush me. I don’t want to live my life a nearly empty shell because someone up and died on me. Charlie may have survived it, but he didn’t weather it well. He’s only a shell of the former man he used to be.”
I looked up, noticing they were both silently crying. They were both watching me, listening to what I was saying. I struggled to continue; wanting to make sure they understood.
“What would happen to me if Edward decided he didn’t want me? I’m afraid he’s already much too close for my comfort level. I can feel him when he’s near me, and I haven’t know him all that long. It’s almost like part of him is in me, coursing through my veins. It would rip something out of me that I don’t have to give if he gets too close. I don’t think I can see him anymore.”
Silent tears were tracking down my face. I sagged against the wall and slid down, resting my head on my knees as I cried for what I was already giving up. I had cried more over Edward than I had in all my previous years in total. He was already pulling things out of me I wasn’t prepared to give. I felt two pair of arms wrap solidly around me.
“Bella, don’t you see it’s already too late? Surely even you can see that you’re already falling in love with him.” Rose had cut down to the quick of it. I was falling in love with Edward. That’s what all those feeling of terror were building from.
“I think it’s bigger than that,” Alice continued. “It’s more than just falling in love with him. I think it was fated that you would meet him. Sure there’s drama sometimes, and there’s heartache too, but there’s also so much joy that you’d be shutting out. If Edward can show you an ounce of joy, maybe it’s all worth it in the end.”
“Maybe you guys are right.” I responded as we sat there and cried.
I didn’t see Edward the following day. I felt bad for breaking my promise to him, but I had to get a better gauge of what was going on in my heart before I could face him again. The days went by and the first day of class finally arrived and I still hadn’t seen Edward, but not for his lack of trying. Alice and Rose had been my guardians at the gate, so to speak, and were able to block his entry every time he came to the door. I had to give him credit though, the boy was certainly persistent.
I made my way to my second class of the day, The Classics, which I was sure would be one of my favorites. I was nearly certain that I would have already read all of the books we would cover, but that didn’t phase me. Rereading was like visiting an old friend. Just because I knew how the story would end didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy the journey again. It also gave me the opportunity to notice things I had missed the previous times reading them, or to appreciate the author’s ability to progress from one scene to another.
I sat down in the middle of the room and thought about my classes this semester. My schedule wasn’t too difficult, but how could it be if I was in mostly English classes? Of course, I had to have some kind of math, science, and physical education classes as well, but that was the least of my worries for now. This semester I was loaded up with mostly reading and writing, two things I enjoyed more than anything else.
My skin started humming right before I heard his voice. “Is anyone sitting here?” I looked up to see Edward standing beside me, a huge grin plastered on his face.
“Um… no, there’s no one sitting there.” He sat down in the seat beside me and just stared at me.
“You’re avoiding me.” I should have learned by now that he wasn’t one for beating around the bush.
“I’m sorry. I just need to get my head in order before I can have any kind of…” any kind of what? “relationship with you.” That works as well as anything else.
“Hmmm. I think you’re telling me the truth.” Before we could say anymore, the professor walked in and started class.
My nerves were frayed and I was having trouble concentrating. Just knowing he was there was enough to drive me mad, but added to that was the spark between us. There was a pull to him like nothing I had ever experienced before. Like the moon controls the tides of the ocean, Edward was drawing me closer, pulling me in. The sick part was that he wasn’t even trying. It was just him. Irresistible. Mouthwatering. Succulent.
“On Thursday we’ll be starting our Shakespearean portion of the semester. Your book list is on the syllabus, I expect all of you to have the first three books by then.” Then we were dismissed by Professor… what was his name? I hadn’t really heard a single word the man had said the entire class. I put the blame for that squarely on Edward’s shoulders.
“Should be a piece of cake for Classics fans such as ourselves, huh?” Edward said. What the hell was he talking about? Had he really been able to concentrate at all? Apparently I didn’t have the same effect on him that he had on me.
“What?” It was all I could come up with in my stupor.
His eyes were twinkling back at me, like he knew exactly what my predicament was. “Did you look at your syllabus at all?” Syllabus? What syllabus? He gestured toward a packet sitting on my desk and I felt the blood pool in my cheeks.
“Oh, yeah… right. Piece of cake.” Of course, I had no clue what the hell I was talking about, but I wasn’t about to admit that. I grabbed the packet and stuffed it into my bag before making my way toward the door.
Edward grabbed my arm before I could make it out of the building. “Bella, can I talk to you?”
I sighed before casting my eyes to the sky, like the answers I sought were hidden behind the white fluffy clouds. “What is it Edward?”
He was shifting from one foot to another looking extremely nervous about something. “When’s your next class?”
“I’m done for the day. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my light days since I work at the library those days. But I have to be at the library at 3.” I glanced down at my watch. “Which is in 4 hours.”
“Would you go to lunch with me? Now?” He still looked nervous, but I couldn’t figure what reason he had to be nervous about anything.
“Um… okay, I guess. Let me call Alice and cancel our plans.” I stepped away for a moment to call Alice and let her know what was going on. She urged me to just go with the flow and let whatever happened happen. I promised I would try.
When I walked back over to Edward, he had the bridge of his nose pinched between his finger and thumb. I was instantly concerned that something was wrong. “Is everything okay, Edward?” I put a hand on his arm and he jumped.
His nervous laughter tainted the air around us and my guard went up. “Sorry, you startled me. Everything is fine.” His eyes told me he was lying though. They were guarded.
“I don’t believe you. I can see it in your eyes.” I hadn’t meant to say that last part, but it fell out of my mouth before I could stop it.
His eyes widened a bit before they softened and he gave me a genuine smile. “Perhaps you’re right.”
“Tell me what’s wrong,” I demanded. I wasn’t budging and inch until he told me.
He sighed in frustration before his eyes met mine again. I was lost in their green depths before he spoke. “I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong when it comes to you. I feel like I’m pushing you away before we even get to know each other.”
I laughed at the irony of his statement. He thought he was pushing me away but I could feel the pull to him even now with a safe distance between us. “Is that what you think?”
“Why wouldn’t I think that? You wouldn’t see me, you had your friend bar me from your room, and you hook at me with something like fear now. It makes me edgy, and I’ve never felt that way before.”
“And here I thought I had absolutely no effect on you.”
Confusion masked his face. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Well, I didn’t hear a single word that professor said because you were sitting so close to me. You, on the other hand, appear to be completely unaffected.”
“Is that what you think?” I was barely able to nod my head before I was pulled into the hard lines of his body. His face was very close to mine and I could feel his desire poking me in the belly. “Does that feel like I’m unaffected Bella? Do you feel what you do to me when you’re near me? Can you feel how much I want you?”
His mouth crashed down on mine in a kiss similar to the one we shared in front of my room a few days ago. The moan escaped me before I could get my bearings. He pulled his mouth from mine and we were both gasping for air. “I could barely stop myself from grabbing you in the middle of class and tearing into you. Your smell was driving me wild. The more I’m with you, the more I feel like I’m losing control of myself.”
I stared at him in shock. Was he being serious? I really did that to him? I was both thrilled and alarmed. “Really?”
He pressed his forehead into mine before he whispered to me, “Yes, Bella. Yes really.” Then he kissed me again, soft and sweet and I felt my bones melt as he slowly and surely broke down the last of my resistance to him. He took his time as his mouth moved over mine and by the time he was done, I was irrevocably his.
¬EPOV
As I made my way back to my room, I couldn’t help but smile. Sure I was going to be tortured later and require and extremely cold shower, and possibly some self loving, but I had finally made contact with Bella. You made contact alright. I faltered as the thought invaded my brain. I was a little concerned at my lack of control around her. It worried me some that all rational thought had ceased and I had been overcome with desire.
I hadn’t meant for things to go so far so fast. I certainly hadn’t meant to act so savage, but something about Bella undermined my self control. I had simply meant to kiss her and show her a little passion. Then Bella had invaded my senses and the lust and desire had coursed through me making everything else pale in comparison.
In my defense, I hadn’t expected her to come alive in my arms that way. Who would have thought that someone so innocent could have completely eclipsed all reason and sanity for me? In that moment, all that had existed was Bella and me. Nothing like that had ever happened to me. No other girl had ever made me forget so thoroughly the who, where, and why. The who I was, the where we were, and why I had initiated the kiss to begin with.
The moment her mouth met mine, I was driven to take, to consume. At least it hadn’t been one-sided. She had been just as hopelessly lost as I had been. For one brief and glorious moment, she had taken the lead and I had followed meekly behind, anxious to let her take me wherever she wanted to go. She had tempted me, teased me, and controlled me. That had been before realization dawned on me that I was desperately close to ravaging her in the fucking hallway, where anyone could have happened across us.
I wondered if I had taken Bella by surprise, or if I had frightened her away. She didn’t know what she was doing really; she had just been swept up in the moment and had reacted. It was one fucking hell of a reaction, one I wouldn’t mind repeating, but what would happen when reality set in for her? For one pithy moment I considered rushing back to her door and beating it down. I couldn’t let her think things through too carefully. If that happened, she might just push me away.
I’d never seen a girl as skittish about relationships as she had been. She had been serious about never allowing herself to get involved with anyone. Sure, I had thought along the same lines, even as recently as a few weeks ago, but that was all before Bella. And to top things off, I had completely different reasons. Carlisle was a complete and total ass that had no more love for Esme than he did for me. It was enough to turn anyone off on the idea or concept of love.
Bella was scared. She had her reasons; after all she had seen her father mourn over his dead wife for as long as she could remember. How could you fight something as intangible as someone’s fears? Was it possible? Me? I was a cynic. That had also been before Bella. She had opened my eyes to a world of wonder and I was bound and determined to never let her go.
As soon as that thought crossed my mind, I stopped dead in my tracks, right in front of my door. Was I really contemplating a forever with Bella? The idea certainly had merit, but was it something that either of us was ready for? The answer to that was an emphatic no, but could I see something like that occurring in the future? After thinking about it for a moment I decided that yes, I could. I could definitely see a future with someone as enigmatic as Bella. But now the real question, could I convince her of that?
I opened my door to the familiar sight of Jasper and Emmett watching ESPN. I wondered if our television had ever been tuned to any other station, but brushed it off and inconsequential. What did things like TV stations matter when I had Bella on my mind?
Jasper looked up from where he was when he heard the door and nearly gaped at me. I wondered what condition I was in to warrant that kind of reaction but brushed it off. “Where have you been?”
I actually fucking sighed before saying, “I was with Bella.” They should have known that, but it seemed like they had expected me to bomb my impromptu meeting with her.
Jasper and Emmett exchanged a glance before Emmett asked, “And what exactly were you doing with Bella?”
It wasn’t a new question. We often talked about our exploits, but something felt different about this time and I didn’t want to share. I breezed by them and gathered my shower caddy and pajamas from my room.
On my way back to the door, Emmett spoke again, “Well? You gonna answer me?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and shook my head. “A gentleman never tells.” I started back for the door when Jasper spoke again.
“Where are you going now?” He always was such a mother hen.
“To take a cold shower,” I muttered. I closed the door behind me to the sound of Emmett’s wild laughter. Asshole.
The next morning, I woke in the best mood I’d been in since I could remember. I was going to be spending time with Bella today. I wasn’t sure whether she would see me alone or if she’d insist on Jasper and Alice being there as well as she’d never clarified, but none of that really mattered. I’d still be seeing Bella.
I rose quickly and got dressed, trying to rush through my morning activities so that I could spend as much time with her as possible. I decided to just go down to her room alone on the off chance she didn’t care about the others not tagging along.
Jasper already had coffee waiting, as per usual, but this morning I didn’t really need it. Of course I drank it anyway, and sitting in the common area of our room my thoughts wandered back to sitting with Bella at the coffee shop on campus. Would I ever be able to drink another cup of coffee without thinking of her? Actually, would I ever be able to even smell coffee without my thoughts drifting to her?
It didn’t matter either way, I had her in my life now and I wasn’t going to let her go. There was nothing in this world that could keep me from the feelings she was able to draw from me. I was actually happy with where I was in life, even if that meant I’d have to go into the medical field. With Bella by my side, I could tackle the world.
When enough time had passed that I wouldn’t seem desperate, I made my way down the hallway and knocked on Bella’s door. It swung open revealing the stunning blonde that Emmett had been admiring. She looked me up and down before cocking her brow.
“Can I help you?” she purred at me. There was nothing really sexual in her tone; it seemed to come naturally to her.
“I’m Edward. Is Bella available?” The tingle across my skin wasn’t welcome like the one I got from Bella. This one forebode of bad things. Something was wrong with Bella.
The blonde sighed before a sad smile graced her lips. “I’m sorry Edward, but Bella isn’t feeling too well today. I’ll tell her you stopped by.” Then she shut the door in my face.
I stood there for a moment in shock. Bella had promised me she would see me today. I nearly knocked again and demanded to see her, but I knew that wouldn’t win me any brownie points. Instead, I slowly made my way back to my room.
I felt dejected. I feared that I had moved to quickly last night and scared her off. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen. I was supposed to be spending time with her today, treating her like a lady, and showing her how special she was. Instead I’d be spending time with either Emmett or by myself. Jasper would more than likely be spending time with Alice, a fact that darkened my bright mood considerably. Why couldn’t anything like that happen to me?
It was at that point I knew it was going to be a long Saturday.
The following morning, I was hoping that today I would be seeing Bella. I feared that I was getting my hopes up, but that didn’t stop me from being optimistic. Surely she wouldn’t break a promise, would she? At the very least, I wanted to apologize for being so forward on Friday night. I desperately wanted to tell her that I hadn’t intended for things to happen that way. I just needed to see her.
Jasper hadn’t been able to gather any information about her from Alice. I suspected he was lying, but was too heartbroken to call him on it. Even if he wasn’t lying, I’m sure he hadn’t tried too hard in fear of turning Alice away from him. I could hardly blame him.
Again, I made my way down to her room, hoping she was feeling better. I had my doubts that she had been ill the day before, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. I didn’t want to do anything to piss her off. Like calling her a liar.
This time, Alice answered the door. She looked at me with something akin to pity when I asked if Bella was home. She glanced behind her, rolled her eyes, and sighed. “I’m sorry Edward, today isn’t a good day.” At least she had the decency to not shut the door in my face. One look at my crestfallen features was enough for her to place her tiny hand on my arm. “Time. All you can do is give her time.”
I said goodbye, and made my way back to my room once more. My mood was darkening again and I was going slightly insane. I tried calling her room several times throughout the day, but each time I was told that Bella wasn’t available. I nearly went to her room and beat down the door. Who did she think she was stirring up all the emotions in me and then turning a cold shoulder? How the fuck had she gotten into my skin this way?
It was another long day.
Monday morning dawned and I nearly didn’t get out of bed. I had been thinking about Bella continuously since our encounter on Friday night and I wondered how long it would be until I saw her again. Alice had said to give her time, but I was impatient. Why would I want to give her time to figure out she didn’t want to be with me? The thought was insanity. No, I wouldn’t allow her thoughts to travel that way. I had to show her I was determined to be with her.
I didn’t even bother changing out of my flannel pants and my tee shirt before I raced down the hall and started pounding on the door. I hadn’t even checked the clock and had no clue what time it was. Apparently it was fairly early considering the blonde answered in her pajamas and a heavy scowl.
She took one look at me and before I could say one word she said, “Come back another time,” and slammed the door in my face.
When I got back to my room, I noticed that it was barely 6. I was slightly embarrassed that I hadn’t bothered to check before my mad dash down the hall. I had been so focused on seeing Bella that everything else had faded into the background.
I showered and got ready only to return to my room and sit on the couch to brood. Jasper and Emmett had been giving me a wide berth since the previous day, hoping to escape my ire. I was beginning to think that I needed Bella in order to attain some semblance of sanity.
Around noon I made my way back to her room and knocked once more. The blonde opened the door again and glared at me. Before she could slam the door again, I put my hand up to stop it. “It’s later,” was all I said.
Her look softened slightly before she cast a glance over her shoulder. When she was sure the coast was clear, she stepped out and closed the door gently behind her. She leaned back against the door and eyed me speculatively.
She muttered, “Bella is going to kill me,” before she continued. “Look Edward. I know you think coming down here and being all persistent and Cro-Magnon man will make Bella want to see you, but that’s not going to work.”
“While I appreciate your advice…” I trailed off, realizing for the first time that I didn’t know her name.
“Rosalie,” she supplied.
“Rosalie.” I nodded in gratitude. “While I appreciate your advice, I need to see Bella. I just want to talk to her.”
“She’s not going to like me telling you this, but I think you’ll be good for her, so I’ll tell you anyway. Bella is terrified of you.”
The thought alone nearly brought me to my knees. I knew I had been aggressive, but I hadn’t meant to scare her. “Is she okay? I didn’t hurt her did I?”
Rosalie’s entire demeanor changed instantly. “I think you might truly care for her.” She seemed a little shocked at the admission, but she went on. “You didn’t hurt her Edward. I meant that she’s terrified of how you make her feel. Bella likes you, a lot. That’s something she’s not entirely comfortable with.”
The thought haunted me for the rest of the night. Did Bella really feel that way? From the tone of our conversation at the coffee shop, she did. Then added to that was the fact that she was trying to get out of seeing me anymore. That was before we ended up mauling each other in the hallway. Maybe Rosalie was right, maybe Bella was terrified of a relationship with me. It was something new; she’d never been in a relationship before, that much she had told me.
I wasn’t really sure how I was going to ease Bella past this. Did I tell her I couldn’t stop thinking about her? That would probably scare her away. Did I go the friend route? Get her used to being around me before I pushed her into more? I would probably die of frustration in the process. On top of all of that, there was the chemistry between us. A spark. It couldn’t be denied and it couldn’t be ignored. I was drawn to Bella and I’m pretty sure it was the same for her, if not she wouldn’t be so scared.
I needed time to figure this out. I decided I’d be waiting for her tomorrow night when she got off work at the library. I could claim to just be walking that way at that time. It would, in essence, be true. Tomorrow there would be another piano lesson with Tanya and my own personal practice time. While I wasn’t looking forward to the first, I was in desperate need of the second. I needed an outlet for my frustration as much as I needed inspiration on how to handle my feelings for Bella, and what I was going to do about them.
Tomorrow night would be soon enough. I had a war to wage.
The following morning I made my way to my English class. I had signed up for The Classics before I knew Bella, but after our meeting in the library the thought of them brought a fond memory. Bella would probably love this class. I’d have to suggest it to her in the future.
The classroom was already about halfway full when I made my way. I felt a tingle rush through my body and my eyes were drawn to the middle of the room. There, in the fourth row, was Bella. The row was mostly empty and no one had sat next to her yet. She looked lost in her thoughts but as I approached her I saw her body shift, like she sensed me there. I leaned down and whispered to her, “Is anyone sitting here?”
She looked up and I was once again staring into her beautiful brown eyes. I couldn’t stop the grin from forming on my face. She looked a little stunned but was able to manage, “Um… no, there’s no one sitting there.” Her cheeks flushed slightly as I sat, looking at her. I couldn’t believe my luck. I was afraid that if I looked away she would disappear. I don’t think I could have handled it if I was only imagining her sitting next to me.
“You’re avoiding me.” The words were out without my brain registered that I wanted to say it.
She bowed her head some, looking at the notebook in front of her. I thought she was going to ignore me before she said, “I’m sorry. I just need to get my head in order before I can have any kind of…” She trailed off, searching for the right words, “relationship with you.” She looked conflicted and I counted that to my advantage.
“Hmmm. I think you’re telling me the truth.” She was a horrible liar, and she looked too confused there was no way she could have been acting. Just then, the professor walked in the room.
The entire class period, I kept half my attention focused on Bella. She still looked preoccupied and I wondered if she was having trouble concentrating too. I caught words here and there from Professor… Banner. Mostly it was discussion about what was expected of us. I scanned the syllabus that had been handed out without really taking much of it in. I did notice a few of my favorites and was glad that I had chosen this class. I also considered the added benefit of being able to discuss those books with Bella.
All my thoughts seemed to be centered around Bella. It seemed fate didn’t want me to wait until this evening for me to talk to her. It was shoving me toward her, telling me that this was what was meant to be. She had been tailored just for me.
I could smell her next to me the entire class. By the end of the class, it was making me dizzy and I had visions of grabbing her and taking her, right there in the middle of class. She was my aphrodisiac. Everything about her called to me making my desire known and my pants uncomfortable. Luckily, the professor broke through my thoughts before I snapped.
“On Thursday, we’ll be starting our Shakespearean portion of the semester. Your book list is on the syllabus, I expect all of you to have the first three books by then. Class dismissed.”
“Should be a piece of cake for Classics fans such as ourselves, huh?” If only I could draw her into a conversation I’d find a way to break the ice.
“What?” She looked slightly dazed, like she had no clue what was going on.
“Did you look at your syllabus at all?” She’d been staring intently at the damn thing for the entirety of class. Surely she had noticed the books we would be covering. Then she blushed making me wonder what was going on in her head.
“Oh, yeah… right. Piece of cake.” Why was she embarrassed? And why was she trying to get away from me without really talking to me? I grabbed her elbow before she could make it out of the building.
“Bella, can I talk to you?” I was slightly nervous about how I would broach the conversation, but I was determined to get it done. I wasn’t going to let Bella just walk away from me. I was going to prove to her that I wouldn’t hurt her.
She sighed and I knew she had been avoiding me on purpose. “What is it Edward?” It sounded so final, like she was trying to convince herself she was done with me.
I couldn’t bear that. It made me edgy. What if she turned me down? I had to know the answer either way. I made up my mind, we were going to talk. “When’s your next class?” I inquired.
“I’m done for the day. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my light days since I work at the library those days. But I have to be at the library at 3.” I silently rejoiced as she checked her watch. Fate indeed. “Which is in 4 hours,” she finished.
She still had the chance to turn me down though, when I finally worked up the nerve to ask. “Would you go to lunch with me? Now?” Yes now, before I lose my nerve.
“Um… okay, I guess. Let me call Alice and cancel our plans.” I had to physically stop myself from doing a happy dance. Not only had she agreed to go with me to lunch, but she was canceling plans with her roommate to go with me. Then I remembered why I was going to lunch with her. I still wasn’t sure how I was going to do this. How I was going to get her comfortable with being around me.
“Is everything okay, Edward?” She put her hand on my arm and startled me. I lost track of how long she’d been on the phone. I couldn’t help but laugh at how consumed I was by thoughts of her.
“Sorry, you startled me. Everything is fine.” Or will be once I figure out what to say.
“I don’t believe you. I can see it in your eyes.” I wasn’t sure how she was able to read me so well. My family certainly had never learned to do that and I had lived with them my entire life. Yet here was this girl that I had only known for a matter of days and she already knew exactly how I was really feeling. The realization stunned me but please me more than anything.
“Perhaps you’re right.” Perhaps I can convince you that this is fate.
“Tell me what’s wrong.” Her stance was set and I knew she was determined to have this conversation here and now. At least a reason for why I wanted to talk to her.
I sighed, now or never. “I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong when it comes to you. I feel like I’m pushing you away before we even get to know each other.” There. I said it. Perhaps we could build that friendship from here. Non-threatening, yet so rewarding at the same time.
“Is that what you think?” Surely she was kidding. How could she not know what I thought after she’d been hiding from me for 3 days?
“Why wouldn’t I think that? You wouldn’t see me, you had your friends bar me from your room, and when you look at me there’s something like fear in your eyes now. It makes me edgy, and I’ve never felt like that before.” I’d lay some of it on the line without letting her know how much I craved being in her presence already.
“And here I thought I had absolutely no effect on you.” What? Does she not remember Friday night?
“What is that supposed to mean?” She was going to tell me. That much I was certain of.
“Well, I didn’t hear a single word that professor said because you were sitting so close to me. You, on the other hand, appear to be completely unaffected.” Could she really not see me fumbling around here? She had to sense my anxiety, it was nearly palpable.
“Is that what you think?” I tossed her words back at her before I yanked her into me. I leaned my face into hers and made sure she could feel how much I wanted her. Just being around her left me in a state of need. “Does that feel like I’m unaffected Bella? Do you feel what you do to me when you’re near me? Can you feel how much I want you?” Screw easing her into a relationship. If she was going around with these bizarre ideas in her head, I was going to set her straight. She thought I didn’t want her? I’d have to show her differently.
My mouth met hers in an angry kiss. I poured all of my desire and frustration into the kiss, hoping she would feel everything I was harboring for her. She moaned into my mouth and I pulled away, both of trying to suck as much air as possible into our lungs. The confessions started spilling out of my mouth. “I could barely stop myself from grabbing you in the middle of class and tearing into you. Your smell was driving me wild. The more I’m with you, the more I feel like I’m losing control of myself.”
She looked surprised and doubtful of my admissions. “Really?”
I pressed my forehead down into hers. My heart was lost to this self-conscious, beautiful, charming girl. “Yes, Bella. Yes really.” The raw lust had been cleared from my brain leaving nothing but tender thoughts for her. I showed that tenderness in my kiss, the kiss that should have been our first. But it wasn’t too late to show it to her now. And just like that I was hers. Infinitely hers.
Chapter One - Hook
15 years ago
